What the heck are you looking at? Is that wall really that exciting? Or that tree so impressive? Or the sidewalk that wonderful? This question goes out to every single female that has ever walked by me and suddenly been caught in awe of some random inanimate object, as if it were the most interesting and peculiar thing she had ever seen.

Last week as I was leaving for work, I walked past one of my coworkers and smiled. She is about my age and we pass each other almost daily, so I thought maybe she'd smile back. There would be no reason for her not to. I've never been rude nor have I ever hit on her, or for that matter, even thought about hitting on her. In fact, I think the extent of our entire life's dialogue is, “We need more towels.” “Okay.” Being the nice guy I am, I was quite simply trying to be a courteous coworker, but per usual, I found my smile was not returned. Instead her eyes bolted toward the ceiling with such speed and determination, I thought for sure an albino tiger was juggling crocodile eggs up there.

To make sure I wasn't missing the show, I too swung my head in the same direction intent on seeing the awe-inspiring feat of some combined mammal-reptile acrobatics, but instead, nothing. An open ceiling with the same exposed air conditioning duct that has been there since I began six months prior. And I know it's the same one because I've found myself staring at it on several occasions for extended periods of time.

This occurrence of woman suddenly being distracted rather than making friendly eye contact with me goes way beyond work. All through college, high school, and I think even middle school, I've noticed this phenomena. Rather than taking even the slightest peek in my direction, as we happen to cross paths, she, whoever she is, finds something else to stare at. We're talking about girls I've never even spoken to. Girls who I was seeing for the first and last time, EVER, and they don't even glance at me. There's no way I've offended them. I don't think they can possibly think they're leading me on. So what the hell is the deal?

Am I really that repulsive? Ugly? Creepy?

The answers to those questions and will Nick and Jessica ever get back together are, of course, no. My mom, who I still live with, told me yesterday I'm the most handsome of all my friends. With such solid evidence, I think I've solved this mystery.

It's not that there's anything wrong with me, but instead, it's that woman are just different than guys in this respect. They don't mean to be rude by not lending a quick glance, it's just that they obviously have some sort of super radioactive vision that allows them to see things us guys could only dream of. While I may see an ordinary tree, or an air conditioning duct, any given female sees all the colors of the rainbow making sweet love or a symphony of plastic, metal, and wood doing the tango.

Let's be realistic, guys. If in everyday life you saw such awe-inspiring feats as our female counterparts, would you bother looking at me, no matter how tall, dark, and perfectly symmetrical I am? No. You'd be looking at the wall over there morphing into an angel knitting sheer love out of spaghetti.

I've learned something today. It's not that I'm ugly or creepy; it's that woman are mysterious beings. The next time I walk by one, I'm going to smile wide, stare into her eyes and try to only imagine the festival of shapes and colors she's taking in.

By Forrest Boleyn Contributing writer to Campus Activewear.